Friendship on the Fringes

For as far back as I can remember I’ve felt like I lived on the outskirts of community, dwelling on the fringes of the larger groups I was part of, but never fully belonging. I could list a lot of reasons for that. To begin with, I’m an introvert and I tend to feel awkward and uncomfortable in large groups under any circumstances. As a woman who was not called to the experience of bearing and raising children, I am aware that I’m missing a basic connection point with other women. I could list many other reasons, but that’s not my purpose here. Perhaps you can relate to this feeling, even if your reasons are different from mine. Maybe you’re single in a church full of married couples. It may be that you are a caregiver for someone else and you aren’t free to attend Bible studies or event. Perhaps (like me) your job means you don’t have the time to participate or volunteer the way you would like to. The reasons for feeling like a fringe dweller are varied, and—I’m not going to lie—some of them are legitimate.

But even though the feelings of being on the outside are real, it’s important to pay attention to how we respond to them. It’s quite easy for that sense of being on the margins to become a sinful response of self-pity. I can quickly begin telling myself that I’m the only one who experiences this, and to imagine that there is some kind of party happening that I’m not invited to. That’s when I tend to throw my own kind of party; a good, old-fashioned pity party! I will confess that this continues to be a persistent battle in my own heart. But God has been at work, convicting me of this tendency as well as showing me ways to counteract it. If you find yourself in a similar battle, I want to share a few of the strategies I’ve learned.

1. Talk to God about it.

Tell God exactly what is going on in your heart. Are your feelings hurt? Tell him! Do you feel alone and unseen? Talk to your heavenly Father about that. In Psalm 55:17 (ESV) David declares, “Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice.” In Psalm 62:8 (ESV), he tells us to “pour out your heart before him.” There have been many times when my own heart has been encouraged and strengthened by simply confessing to God what I’m facing emotionally.

• Value the friends you do have.

Regardless of how I may feel at times, the reality is that God has blessed me with faithful friends. In all likelihood, he’s given you friends as well. They may not be the call-every-day-and-have-lunch-every-week friendships that we see portrayed in books and movies, but friendship comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, and every one of them is authentic and valuable. In his letters to the churches, Paul frequently begins with acknowledging his thankfulness for that group (Romans 1:8, 1 Corinthians 1:4, Philippians 1:3) Consider each part of your life and make a list of your friends; then take time to thank God for each of them.

• Reach out.

Look at your list. What is happening in the lives of your friends? They need encouragement, too. It’s almost effortless to get focused on our own feelings and forget that others are struggling as well. We can easily default to assuming that no one else feels as alone and discouraged as we do. I found myself in this place recently and as I was talking (complaining) to God, he brought to mind the words of Proverbs 11:25, “he who refreshes others will be refreshed”. So, I decided to look for a way to encourage someone else every day of that week. It was sometimes as simple as texting a friend to ask how their week is going, sending a note, or scheduling a coffee date. In the office where I work, it’s surprising how a simple thing like a coffee run can change the mood for the better. Look around for ways to encourage others. As you do, you will most likely feel your own mood lifting in the process.

• Occasionally, just go and embrace the awkwardness.

You don’t have to do this all the time; but every so often just go to an event. Show up and see what happens. When I do this, there are a lot of times that I end up at a table where I don’t know anyone, and it really is uncomfortable. But other times, I find someone I haven’t talked to in a while, or I meet someone that I do connect with. You don’t know what God might do if you don’t show up.

I’ve been hearing a lot recently about an “epidemic of loneliness”. It isn’t just me—or just you—who feels alone, discouraged, and unseen. In our so-called age of “connection” we often feel more alone than ever before. But as we learn to honestly talk to God what’s going on in our hearts, as we thank him for the friends he has given us, and as we focus less on ourselves and more on how to love and encourage the people he has brought into our lives, the feeling of being on the fringes won’t have as much influence over us. We can become increasingly free to love and encourage others however God leads, even from the fringes.